It’s funny how some distance, makes everything seem small

So, in preparations for New Year’s Eve, I’ve been checking out a video from the up and coming Disney movie “Frozen”, more to be precise, “Let it Go”. And to be fair, I didn’t realize how hard it’d hit me.

Now, I’ve had a little crush on Elsa as it is prior to this, but this clip, or, to be more precise, song, hit me so hard. I’ve probably nagged the HEAD of people around me about it. But I haven’t crushed this hard on a character since Megara in Hercules, 16 years ago. And it’s all in the song. Of course, I’ve probably encoded the song a little differently than it’s supposed to be in the whole movie, but okay.

It’s been some time since I actually heard a song I could relate to. I sometimes hear songs and can be like, yeah this is good, and I understand what they mean, but this one. This little one, “Let It Go”… It’s a movie soundtrack, so it feels downright stupid to sit here and write it, but it’s like it could be written about me, about how I feel about things.  I struggle a lot with letting go. In many ways. I struggle with letting go of old things, I struggle with letting go of peoples words, and I struggle with letting my feelings just flow. I’ve gotten into this pattern where I, for instance, may get a negative call-back from a job, and I only act as if it doesn’t matter, even if it might. It doesn’t ruin my life, but of course, it’s a rejection, amongst so many others I’ve had, and that it is okay to be sad, even if it is only for ten minutes.

But somewhere, not sure where, I stopped. I just stopped feeling emotions, or perhaps, prevented myself to feel emotions. Never be sad, because I shouldn’t complain, never be angry unless very very necessary, because people only try to be nice, right? Never be too excited about things unless it interests the other person, because else you’ll bore or annoy the other person. Never let anyone know you’re unhappy about something because you’re just being ungrateful…

Just be plain, simple and not say a word. Not to let them know. To hold everything back. To never tell people about things. So after a while I didn’t even know anymore what to say, or how to say things to people. People would brush me off as coldhearted and mean, and I probably are to some. It’s an evil circle I got myself into. Where I became, as Jennie put “emotionally passive”. So I don’t even know anymore. What I feel, if I feel, if I prevent myself from feeling, or if I try to feel when I don’t. I don’t want to be mean or cold hearted. But I didn’t know anymore how to… feel.

But then I heard this song I just sort of lost it. I just…  just let it go, you know. Everything just flowed, I felt something. The song stung hard right where it should, in the heart. Every word she sings in the song I relate to. I relate to her, with what she sings. I’m not sure if anything of what I just wrote even makes sense, but they’re things I came to think of because of this song.

Isn’t it peculiar what simple notes and lyrics can trigger at times?

// Sara

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